March 2009 Archives

Trust your gut. How many times have you heard this, know this and gone ahead an ignored it? Bad Mama! Bad Daddy! 

Last night I did a talk for a group of preschool parents about “Playing Doctor” – natural and healthy sexual play, sexualized behavior and what to do when kids are engaging in this type of behavior.

One of my favorite parts of this talk is when I provide the group with different scenarios and ask them to determine if what’s described is “natural and healthy or cause for concern.”

At this point in my talk, the parents have learned the difference and have had a chance to ask me questions, talk to each other and take some of this sometimes unsettling information in.

The thing I find really interesting is how clearly their intuition helps them to decide if the different descriptions are healthy, or not. Now, I haven’t tested the waters here, but I think I could give the parents these descriptions before they have any information from me and they would know, based on their gut reactions, if the kids described need help.

We intuitively know when something isn’t right – and our kids do too. Help them learn how to develop and refine their intuition. Their intuition is much stronger and clearer than ours – ours has been socialized out of us in the interest of being polite.

Talk about it when you get that “uh-oh feeling” as my pals at PEACE of Mind describe it. Ask them about their intuitive experience.

Kids who can name and acknowledge their intuitive experience are safer. They will naturally stay away from Uncle Creepy or that kid that just doesn’t seem right. And it’s our job to trust them when they say they don’t like someone or a situation so they can learn to trust themselves.

One day last summer, when Milo and I were walking home from his child care, he told me that some kids had found some graffiti under a slide. “They were laughing and everyone was going under to see it,” he said. “I think it started with an ‘F’.”

Ah. The F-word. Now, sadly, Milo has heard this word nearly every day of his life, thanks to his potty mouthed mother. This happens to be one of my favorite words – and really – who’s surprised, considering my line of work?

So here was the moment of truth – about me, the F-word and Milo’s education.

One of the things we need to do as parents is make sure our kids understand slang and what it means. When kids know what these words mean, why they are offensive and have some rules about their use, they feel empowered.

I know you are all wondering what I said to my seven year old about the F-bomb, so here it is:  “Fuck is a really bad swear word that means sex. It’s an ugly word that is used to describe something that is a very natural and normal part of life. I know you’ve heard me use this word (a lot!) and it’s really not okay that I use it so much.

This is a word that shouldn’t be used because it upsets people and they feel uncomfortable. It’s also word that is used in many different ways – to describe something or someone, as in “the fucking fucker is fucked up”. 

I didn’t really say that last part. Pretty fucking funny, though, huh?

I did a great talk last night with Dr. Jessica Gillooly. She's written a book, Before She Gets Her Period, a wonderful guide to guiding your girl through this change of life. Some tips from Jessica:

Girls do want to learn about their periods from their mothers - dad will do in a pinch!

Girls say they don't want the sex talk and the period talk at the same time.

They want to hear their mother's and grandmother's period stories.

The average US girl starts her period at 12 (+ or - 3 years).

Don't tell your daughter "You're a woman now!" because she isn't and she knows she isn't. Instead say something about she's entering adolescence or beginning the journey towards becoming a woman.

Girls like period celebrations when they happen, but will tell you not to hold one.

They want their dads to know, but don't want their dads to talk to them about it or even acknowledge that it's happened.