Amy Lang, MA: February 2008 Archives

The question about porn is the Teen Boy Question of the Ages – what to do?  I happen to think that porn is not a good idea for anyone – in particular teenage boys. The problem is that their brains are still developing and what they can see in terms of sexual activity can be way more than they can handle emotionally. It feels good to see sexually stimulating images, but the kind of images one can access on the internet go beyond merely sexually stimulating.

The internet has been called “the crack cocaine” of pornography because it is so easily consumed and highly addictive. There is some evidence showing that boys and men who view a lot of porn have trouble developing “real” sexual relationships. Because they have seen fake sex, with fake partners, when they get the real thing, it’s disappointing because it doesn’t fulfill their rich (and fake) fantasy life.

So now that I’ve scared you into thinking your son is a porn addict that won’t have lasting relationships except with YouTube, here’s some stuff you can do to help you sort this out.  

www.theporntalk.com has some good information on it.  

Read Pornified, http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_gw/002-4322013-5973657?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=pornified&x=15&y=19

Or Smut (this one is shorter) http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_gw/105-9708373-2029202?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=smut+sex+industry&x=8&y=19

to get a better idea of the impact of porn on our culture and our kids. 

Take some time to think about and clarify what you believe about porn. Good? Bad? It's impact on men, women and relationships? How will you explain this to your kids? What is your experience with porn?

Where is your computer? What are your family rules for internet use? Engage your kids in this conversation.  

I hope you don’t feel like I am lecturing at you – and my son is only seven so I have yet to deal with this personally – I just know from what I’ve read and my personal beliefs that porn isn’t good for anyone.  I hope for a world where kids aren’t looking at porn before they can fully understand what it means, its impact on women and our culture and how it can mess with their heads and hearts. A 17 or 18 year old can nearly fully comprehend this – a 14 year old cannot.

I was speaking at a local elementary school the other night and one of the moms asked me a great question. I was talking about the sexualization of young girls and she asked me what to do about our boys. I didn't understand what she was after at first and thought she was asking about the sexualization of boys.

Then the light bulb went on and what she was wondering about is how do we help our boys deal with these girls who look and act sexy at, say, 10? How do we teach them to be respectful and not get hooked into the girls' inappropriate behavior - like offering oral sex like it's a handshake? What do we say and do to help them navigate this tricky world we live in?

I have some ideas, but more importantly, what are yours? How will you talk to your boys about what life is like for our girls these days? How will you explain to your son why it's inappropriate for a10 year old girl to dress like a 16 year old? What are you values and beliefs about what clothes, books, movies and TV shows are appropriate at what age?

I think it's worth the effort to grapple with these questions. When our boys are given clear guidance and boundaries about what I can only imagine are some very confusing messages, they'll do better. My hope is they'll be better partners and better friends and, in turn, our girls will make better choices.

Here I go -fooling around with a blog called Buzz. Cute, I know, but when a girl is all about birds and bees; stings and talk - Buzz fits! I'll be chatting about whatever springs to mind, and happy to hear back from you, of course!

I've just finished the first draft of my workbook for parents to help you all clarify your values about sex, love and relationships. I'm excited about this project because I am finding this is an area of parenting that doesn't get a lot of attention in people's lives.

Most parents seem to get hung up on talking about intercourse and baby making (which, as most of you know, is the least of your worries), and forget that providing this kind of factual and scientific information is easy to do! There are many great books on the topic - you just need to find one and get reading.

The part of these conversations that books don't offer much help with is the values piece. There isn't a book (unless you count the Bible and other religous writings) that clarifies your sexual values. We all have to figure out what we believe about when someone is ready for sex or what a healthy relationship looks like or whether porn is okay for teenagers. And then we need to figure out how we are going to convince our kids that our way is right! 

This infomation is where the bang for your buck is - this is this stuff that sticks in kids' brains and maybe, just maybe, slows them down when things get hot! They want and need to know what you believe, so they can figure out what they believe. And then make better choices when it comes to sex, love and relationships.