Amy Lang, MA: October 2008 Archives
Do you remember "playing doctor" as a kid? I do. I was six and playing with my neighbor, Derek who was my age. He had one of those tablecloth play houses - remember those? It was a plastic cloth that had windows, a door and the sides went down to the ground.
I don't know exactly what we were doing - checking out each other's parts or maybe we had our shirts off, I don't recall those details.
What I do remember is Derek's dad poking his head in and then ordering us out of the playhouse. I was sent home.
I had no idea why we were in trouble, but we were. I eventually figured it out.
This kind of play - exploring bodies, looking and even touching - is universal. Kids all over the world engage in this kind of play. It's one of the ways they learn about sexuality.
What's not universal is how the adults respond. Most adults respond out of fear - fear of sexual abuse, cultural norms, religious teachings, or our own experiences in childhood.
When adults are able to calmly disrupt this type of play, everyone does better. The kids learn that while the play isn't appropriate, they aren't in trouble. If the adults respond with shame, blame or yelling, the kids learn the adults freak out when this kind of stuff happens.
When your kid knows this behavior upsets you, they will make sure you don't get upset again. This could mean they don’t play this way anymore or they just hide the behavior.
Hiding sexual play can lead to hiding child sexual abuse.
We need our kids to feel confident we can handle anything they do. If we freak out over something as simple as "playing doctor" they may think we can't handle it if something truly awful is happening to them.
And if they won't confide in us, we can't help them if they need it.
My next Casual Chats are:
Monday, November 3
Monday, December 1
From 7:30 to 8:30 pm.
Mosaic Coffeehouse, 4401 2nd Ave NE, Seattle
I bopped back and forth across the country in 48 hours and had the luck to sit between two lovely women on my way home. One, a single mom, and the other, a married mother of at least four kids, both very active in their churches.
The single mom talked about her 14 year old daughter and how quickly she was growing up and how challenging it is to keep her from becoming too adult. The married mom talked about the challenges of raising kids who were severely abused by their biological parents.
I just listened and was reminded to count my blessings and to appreciate my parenting challenges that don’t involve teenagers (yet) and heartbreak.
