Results tagged “parent education” from Buzz

I think the tendency is for parents to stop or slow down talking to their kids about sex as they age. From the experiences of the parents I teach, it sounds like, for most of us, our parents tried out a couple of conversations, told us to ask if we had questions and that was it.

Several women in the last month or so have told me they thought their parents figured they were smart and wouldn't do anything stupid, so the conversation stopped. If it had started at all.

It makes a lot of sense to me that parents stop talking to kids about this once they hit the later teen years, 16 and on. They are clearly able to navigate the world at large, they don't seem interested in talking to us about anything, their friends are full of information, and well, really, who wants to talk about sex anyway - with anyone?

But they do want and need to hear from us. There are so many things that happen in the later teen years with friends and relationships. They need us to help them navigate the crazy world they are entering.

They are still kids, after all. There is new research showing our brains aren't fully developed until 23-25. Fully developed brains need help and that means us.

So, stick to your early habits of talking about everything - your kids will someday thank you for it!

Milo is going to be quaking in a corner with embarrassment someday, and it’ll all be because of me. It’s not enough that I talk about sex for a living; I have to tell tales about him too.

My parents are here, visiting for the holidays and my mom reminded me of one of Milo’s many funny quips, which sent me down memory lane, remembering our days in Bremerton, WA. Milo was 2 and had plenty to say about his body.

Her favorite was the day Milo and I were sitting on the couch, looking at a book and he looked at me and said, out of nowhere, “I love my penis!”

I love the day we were on our way back to Bremerton from Seattle and we were on the ferry. Fortunately we were in the car.

Milo announced that he was hungry, so I unwrapped a piece of string cheese for him and passed to back to him. He grabbed it and then proceeded to wave it around and yell at the top of his lungs “Cheese penis, mama! Cheese penis!” He did this over and over and over.

I was crying I was laughing so hard and trying desperately to hide it because I didn’t want this to become a regular thing. You’ll be happy to know, it didn’t.

Finally, my mother in law was over visiting and Milo had just awakened from a nap. He was wearing nothing but a tee shirt and sitting on a big arm chair, all by himself.

Suddenly, he leaned back, spread his legs, whapped himself in the crotch and said “Baaaaaalls…baaaaaaaaaaalls…”

Ack!

My wonderful mother in law looked at me; looked at Milo and said “Time for some underpants!”

Indeed.

I sure do! It was passed around from girlfriend to girlfriend when I was in Junior High. To refresh your memory, this is the story of a teenaged couple and their mutual deflowering.

As it turns out, this was a groundbreaking book. For the first time, a “first time” was thoughtfully portrayed in adolescent literature. Katherine and Michael are in love and ready for sex.

What sets this book apart is how Katherine thoughtfully approaches her first time, confiding in her mother, getting birth control and making love in a safe place. Michael does not pressure her into her decision, they decide together.

It provides an example of how to have a great first experience and clearly includes all the things I think make up a great first time.

Here’s the link to Amazon – pick up a copy for your favorite teen. But read it again yourself before you pass it along.  http://tinyurl.com/foreverjb

I just finished this amazing book about what the authors call "sexualized childhood" and I am more inspired than ever to help parents help their kids.

One thing I took away from this book is something I hope you will be able to take to heart - it's not your fault. Did you hear me? I'll say it again - It's not your fault.

As parents we hear all the time that we should control the media our kids are exposed to - they shouldn't have unfettered access to TV shows, video games and other media. WE need to stop buying our kids Bratz dolls and violence themed toys.

This is all true - we should control what our kids have access to.

However - we did not decide to produce these products and shows. Big Business did.

We did not decide to sell "pink" and "princess" and "sexy" to our girls. Bid Business did.

We did not create toys with war and violence themes. Bid Business did.

Big Business wants us to buy this stuff - they do not care about the impact on our kiddos. They care about money, money, money and that's it.

So give yourself a break. This is a cultural problem and while you can't fully combat it - our kids will be exposed to this stuff - you can talk about it with your kids and spend a little time making sure you understand what it is your kids are watching on TV.

If it's not appropriate, explain why and find alternatives. You'll be glad you did.

My pal Kristen just celebrated her birthday. Her sweet husband organized a surprise pirate themed party and everything went off without a hitch! There were many Pirate-y grownups and no kids.

I spent the hour or so I was there talking about The Strangers' Hump Festival and the evils of pornography. For the uninitiated, The Hump Festival is an amateur porn film festival - the thought of which both cracks me up and grosses me out.

The two Pirates I was talking to were both unopposed to pornography and they were interested to hear my views and have a chat about it, and their idea for a Hump Festival film involving dogs, but not in a bad way.

I guess I just got to thinking about my porn stance - what do I really believe? Is it inherently evil? Does it provide something good in the world?  

I wouldn't censor it, but I don't watch it. I don't think, ultimately, it's good for anyone. It's confusing for kids to see (even teenagers - remember, their brains aren't quite finished developing) and as always, inappropriate for kids to see.

I think the one point I made that hit home, was that the porn of today, is not the porn of our youth. Playboy Magazine and the internet are two vastly different media. The vast difference being you can go from an image of a naked woman to very hard core porn in minutes.

In fact, I just went and looked at some on line. Just Google “naked women” and see what you get. Scary stuff.

I need to go wash my hands and maybe you need to figure out what you believe about porn. Go visit www.theporntalk.com they can help.

If your child is in elementary school, there is an excellent chance she will have an answer for you.

Even if you haven’t explained what sex actually is.

Those young ‘uns talk to each other, you know. And the ones that aren’t talking are listening.

And perhaps you had your own answer to this question before you were filled in about the actual-factual details. What had you heard or made up?

Let me know what you learn – I love these stories and just as soon as I get permission from the Mama who told me her story about what her son made up, I’ll fill you in.  

I’m finishing up my first draft of my Guidebook for parents and have been working on the tedious task of putting together my reference list.

Last week, I was spending time at the Kaiser Family Foundation website reading up on TV and kids. They have done several studies on media and kids and it was very interesting to learn just how TV is impacting our kids.

Get a load of this - Kaiser's Vicki Rideout said: "What we found is that, overall, when you turn on the TV today, whatever time of day it is, whatever kind of show you're watching, the odds are about 1 out of 2 that it'll be a show with some kind of sexual content, and in the most watched shows, those on prime time, about 2 out of 3 shows have sexual content.

But the thing about it is, that very few of those shows, less than 1 out of 10 in fact, include any reference to what we might call safer sex type issues, a condom on a bedside table, a character who decides to postpone having sex, or some reference to the possible risks of unprotected sex." I cut this from here: http://www.kaisernetwork.org/reports/1999/02/kr990209.3.html

That’s a lot of sex on TV! There was also a recent report that found that kids who watch unsupervised TV in any amount, have sex about one year sooner than kids who watch supervised TV. 

This isn’t all that surprising, considering those kids who watch unsupervised TV probably have a lot of unsupervised time in general. And as you may recall, unsupervised time is a great time to have sex!

So now that you know about all the sex on TV? What is your plan? Will you let your kids watch any TV, any time? Let me know. 

Remember when your babies were newborns and you had that moment of “what on earth am I doing with a BABY?! What was I thinking?! I don’t have a clue what to do with this little human!?” 

Well, NBC is filming it all – freakouts, tears, panic, joy and relief – as six teenaged couples tackle parenting with borrowed babies in the new reality TV show The Baby Borrowers. These couples are all 18 and older, so they are barely teenagers and in established relationships with their partners.

The babies – the poor babies – have been loaned by willing parents who can watch the happenings from live video feed in a neighboring house. I’m not entirely clear why anyone would loan their baby to strangers, but these folks did.

My colleagues at the National Parent Education Network are understandably very worried about these babies being cared for by strangers (don’t worry, there’s an unfamiliar “professional nanny” lurking in the back ground and the parents can come intervene at a moment’s notice). And the babies are very distressed, there is no doubt about that.

I wonder if the ends justify the means.

Most of the teens think they can handle the rigors of a baby. They are excited to try practice parenting and are looking forward to feeling closer to their partners and exploring what it might be like “someday” with their own babies.

Interestingly, some of the teens fall apart within the first 24-48 hours before the baby shows up. Once the baby makes the scene all of the couples are clearly under duress – they really don’t know what they are doing – and any cockiness has completely disappeared.

“Parenting” is clearly way more difficult than these kids had imagined and by the time the babies are put to bed – most asleep in their care givers arms – the teens have had it.

They are exhausted, punchy, crabby and stressed. I’d bet every one of them would give it up and go back to their real lives in a heartbeat.

They’ve had the babies for 12 hours.

This show is a walking, talking teachable moment. Any parent who has kids 12 and older should watch at least one episode so their kids can see what it’s like to be fully responsible for a baby.

Then, as a family, a conversation should follow about what their kids’ plans for the future hold, what their goals are and how they can make their dreams happen.

Anyone can make a baby. It takes significantly more work to be a parent.

What alarming news out of Massachusetts today - 17 pregnant teen-aged girls at one high school.

Half of the pregnancies were intentional.

Even more alarming was the interview with the principal. His theory is that these girls don’t see any future for themselves, so they get pregnant so they will have something to do and feel important.

I feel for these girls, who don’t have the support to make better decisions for themselves.  When I listened to the Principal I had to wonder – isn’t it part of the schools’ job to help these girls find something to give their lives meaning?

I realize the school isn’t wholly responsible for these girls’ lives, but they do have the opportunity to help them see more for their futures, which can include parenting, but shouldn’t be the first thing on the list.

I worry that Jamie Lynn Spears and the movie Juno have glamorized teen pregnancy and make it seem like a reasonable life choice. Media makes it look so easy and when parents are able to give their girls what they need in terms of self esteem and sound decision making skills, it’s not surprising choosing to have a baby seems like a good idea.

We chose not to circumcise Milo and since the other penis at our house is circumcised, we didn't really know what to do with Milo's tinkle-waggle! Now we know, thanks to this great and helpful website for parents of boys!

http://www.babyboy.info/parents.html

"Intact? Don't retract!" Sums up their advice.